If you’re tired of saying yes when you mean no, your ADHD brain needs core values, which are the shortcut to confident, guilt-free decisions.
You know that feeling when someone asks you to volunteer for yet another committee or help with something you’d rather not do?
Your brain screams “NO!” There are neon signs and arrows pointing to that word in your mind, but without pausing, your mouth opens up and says, “Of course, I’d be happy to help.”
Immediately, you’re drowning in resentment, wondering why you can’t just say what you mean.
For many women, especially women with ADH, people-pleasing is often a survival strategy developed over years of criticism and rejection sensitivity. But there’s a way out, and it starts with discovering your core values.
Why ADHD Brains Fall Into the People-Pleasing Trap
We make hundreds of decisions per day. For ADHD brains, this number feels even more overwhelming because every choice carries emotional weight.
Here’s why people-pleasing becomes our default:
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): The intense fear of disappointing others makes saying “no” feel physically painful. We’d rather overcommit than risk someone being upset with us.
Executive Function Challenges: When we can’t quickly assess what’s truly important to us, every request feels equally urgent. Without clear priorities, we default to keeping others happy.
Emotional Dysregulation: The guilt and anxiety that comes with potentially disappointing someone feels so overwhelming that we say yes just to make those feelings stop.
Past Criticism: Years of being told we’re “too much” or “not enough” can make us hypersensitive to others’ approval. We say yes to prove we’re worthy.
So how do we break this exhausting cycle? Personal core values!
Personal Core Values Your Internal GPS System
Core values are the fundamental beliefs that guide your decisions and behaviors.
Think of them as your internal compass, they don’t change based on circumstances, but rather provide consistent direction regardless of what’s happening around you.
The problem? Most people have never actually identified their core values.
You might have heard the term in a workshop or seen it on a motivational poster, but if you’re like most people, you’ve never sat down to figure out what yours actually are, let alone use them to make decisions.
And this is exactly why people-pleasing feels so inevitable. Without knowing your values, every request feels equally important.
You have no filter, no internal barometer to help you quickly assess whether something aligns with what truly matters to you. So you default to what feels safest: saying yes.
When you identify your core values, something shifts. Suddenly, you have criteria for your decisions. You’re not just reacting to avoid disappointing others. You’re choosing based on what’s genuinely important to you.
Why Core Values Are Your People-Pleasing Antidote
When you know your core values, saying no stops being about potentially hurting someone’s feelings and becomes about honoring what matters most to you.
Here’s how values transform your decision-making:
Objective Decision Filter: Instead of agonizing over whether someone will be upset, you ask: “Does this align with my core values?” The answer gives you permission to decline without guilt.
Reduced Decision Fatigue: When rejection sensitivity makes every “no” feel like a personal attack on someone, values provide an external framework. You’re not rejecting the person you’re choosing alignment with your principles.
Authentic Boundaries: People-pleasers often struggle with boundaries because they feel selfish. Values reframe boundaries as necessary for living with integrity, not selfishness.
Confidence in Choices: When decisions align with your values, you stop second-guessing yourself. Even if someone is disappointed, you know you made the right choice for you.
Core Values Examples to Spark Recognition
Before diving into discovery, seeing examples helps identify what resonates with your authentic self. Remember, this isn’t a menu to choose from rather inspiration to recognize your own values.
Relationship & Connection Values: Trust, loyalty, compassion, authenticity, respect, love, empathy, forgiveness, genuine connection
Personal Growth & Well-being Values: Learning, creativity, courage, balance, peace, health, wisdom, adventure, self-acceptance, resilience
Work & Achievement Values: Excellence, integrity, innovation, impact, collaboration, mastery, leadership, efficiency, meaningful contribution
Lifestyle & Freedom Values: Independence, flexibility, simplicity, beauty, nature, spirituality, fun, spontaneity, financial security
How to Discover Your Core Values: 3 ADHD-Friendly Methods
Method 1: The Energy Audit
ADHD brains are excellent at recognizing what energizes versus drains them.
Use this superpower and ask yourself:
- What activities make you lose track of time in the best way? The values behind these activities are likely core to you.
- What situations make you feel most authentic and alive? What values were you honoring in those moments?
- When do you feel completely drained after social interactions? What values might have been compromised?
Method 2: The Frustration Analysis
Strong negative emotions often signal violated values:
- Think of the last time you felt genuinely angry or frustrated
- What principle felt violated in that situation?
- What would have needed to be different for you to feel respected?
If you were furious about a friend consistently canceling plans, the underlying value might be reliability, respect for time, or consideration.
Method 3: The Role Model Method
Who do you most admire, and why?
- Write down 3-5 people you deeply respect
- For each person, identify what specifically you admire about them
- Look for patterns in these qualities, they often reflect your own core values
If you admire Brené Brown for her vulnerability, your grandmother for her unconditional love, and a colleague for their integrity, you might identify authenticity, compassion, and honesty as core values.
From Discovery to Daily Practice: Making Values Work for You
Once you’ve identified your top 3-5 core values, here’s how to use them as your people-pleasing antidote:
The Values Filter for Requests
Before responding to any request, pause and ask:
- “Which of my core values does this honor or compromise?”
- “If I say yes, will I feel aligned or resentful?”
- “What would honoring my values look like in this situation?”
Scripts for Values-Based Boundaries
When someone asks you to take on something that conflicts with your values:
- “That sounds like a great opportunity, but it doesn’t align with my priorities right now.”
- “I appreciate you thinking of me. I’m focusing on [value-aligned activity] this season.”
- “I’m not able to commit to that, but I hope you find someone who’s a great fit.”
The Daily Alignment Check
Each morning, review your core values and set an intention for how you’ll honor them that day.
Each evening, reflect on how well your choices aligned with your values. This builds the muscle of values-based decision-making.
Core Values for ADHD: Structure That Supports Authentic Living
How Values Reduce Decision Overwhelm
As mentioned earlier, for adults with ADHD, every choice can feel equally urgent without a clear framework.
Core values provide that framework. Instead of evaluating every request from scratch, you simply ask: “Does this align with my values?”
According to CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD), executive function challenges make prioritization particularly difficult for ADHD adults. Core values act as an external structure that supports internal decision-making.
Working With Rejection Sensitivity
When rejection sensitivity makes every “no” feel like you’re ruining someone’s life, core values provide an objective reason to decline. You’re not rejecting the person, rather you’re choosing to honor your principles. This reframe reduces the emotional intensity of boundary-setting.
Your Journey from People-Pleasing to Authentic Living
Discovering and living by your core values isn’t a one-time exercise, and, as you can imagine, it’s an ongoing practice of self-discovery and intentional living.
Start with identifying your values using the methods above or download our workbook. Be patient with the process, and remember that clarity often comes through experimentation and reflection.
Your core values are uniquely yours. They’re not what you think you should value or what others expect you to value. They’re the principles that make you feel most authentically yourself.
When you honor these values consistently, even when it means disappointing others, you create a life that’s not just successful by external standards, but deeply fulfilling on your own terms.
The next time someone asks something of you, pause. Check in with your values. Trust them to guide you toward choices that honor who you truly are.
Your values are your compass. Let them guide you away from people-pleasing and toward a life that truly reflects what matters most to you.
Ready to dive deeper into discovering and living your core values? Download our comprehensive Core Values Discovery Workbook. Designed specifically for ADHD brains who want to move from people-pleasing to authentic decision-making.
Citations & Further Reading
- Scott Jeffrey – The Ultimate List of Core Values (Over 220 Examples)
- Brené Brown – Dare to Lead List of Values
- CHADD (Children and Adults with ADHD) – Executive Function Skills Resource
